Germans
By Tolsun Waddle

Those silly Germans. Every time they try to take over the world, they do a little better.

Think about it: First there were the Vikings (a few Germans participated in this madness); they were followed by the Angles, who took over England. Then, the Saxons beat up the Angles. Also, Germanic tribes helped with the fall of the Roman Empire in the fifth century AD. Then, some years of relative quiet, until you run into Kaiser Wilhelm raising hell in Poland and making Germany into a huge European power. Then World War 1, then Hitler.

If the world were truly run like a game of "Risk," the Germans would be your 13-year-old cousin that just discovered girls and who's learning how to play for the first time. He'd spread out his armies evenly over all of his countries and eventually get his rear kicked. Seriously kicked, until you finally told him, "Look, Timmy, go on a blitzkrieg. It's the only way to win. Fortify the Ukraine, and launch your attack from there."

Timmy has been told this already. He learned from his mistakes in World War 1. He did pretty well in World War 2 (a.k.a., That Time the Germans Kicked Everyone's Butts Until they Messed With Russia in the Middle of a Siberian Winter) until he decided to make one of the classic blunders. He got involved in a land war in Eastern Europe. Eastern Europe is close enough to Asia for this to count as a major blunder. One of these days, Timmy will finally realize that he's first got to either completely wipe out Asia or ignore it until he can attack it from Alaska and Europe. Timmy also really needs to take some pages from Sun-Tzu, and perhaps from Chairman Mao; the most important lesson Timmy can learn is Mao's classic comment, "Power is the barrel of a gun."

Now what? The things that really throw me are the Euro and the European Union. What's the deal there? I mean, you just know that somebody is someday going to say, "You know what? I don't give a flip about unified currency. Nor do I care about any stupid Union. Let's go blow stuff up." Then, Timmy and Co. will run around Europe for a few years, blowing stuff up, maybe even run around other parts of the world (hopefully New Jersey), and then somebody will have to come in and put an end to the madness.

What can we do to stop this? Stop buying Volkswagen? Perhaps there is no way to prevent this. Perhaps we simply have to wait for them to rise up again and kick even more rear.

*Please note: The author of this does not in any way condone warfare, nor does he see the German people as bloodthirsty warmongers. He is simply pointing out that they have acted in a very megalomaniacal manner in the past, and that history tends to repeat itself. Thus, there is the possibility that Germany will once again try to take over the world and will most likely be successful this time around.

Note - edited for language content

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